Loneliness and emotional strength

Today I watched something that made me think of my days in the hospital. 

In particular, the loneliness I would feel, when anyone who had stopped by to visit, would go, leaving me alone once again with my thoughts. 

Most days I would occupy the hours, watching some mindless TV show or the other. 

As you may conclude, and correctly so, by my choice of words, I am not a huge fan of TV, but hey, it's a great way to lose yourself. But when I would get lost in my head, and allow my thoughts and feelings to rise to the top, and I sometimes would go to places dark and macabre. 

If you should ever have someone that you care for, in the hospital for an extended period of time. Let me tell you, how much your visits are appreciated. 

The alone times are really hard to take. Because my sleep schedule was so off, and because I had people coming into my room 24/7, poking and prodding me, I would often spend hours just lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling or a wall. 

I got to the point, where I would look forward to being stuck by a needle, just so I had someone that would visit me. The physical pain become worth the human contact.

I understand how giving prisoners solitary confinement is a form of punishment. 

Weekends were the worst, because fewer people worked then. There were some nurses that I was literally afraid of, and many, who I grew quite fond of. I got the chance to experience the best and worst, the hospital had to offer, throughout my 79 day stay there. But even though the people were mostly good, I felt like I was serving a sentence that wouldn't end.

Be careful what you wish for.

Because even though my stay there ended, with what was to be my new home for quite some time. It instead was an introduction into what became the longest four days of my life. 

I was truly grateful it lasted only four days. 

I'm in the place now where I expect I will finish out my remaining days. As Jonell says, for better or for worse. 

I have days that challenge me, as I've said before, that even make me question my desire to go on living. 

But then I get a hug from my little girl, or a smile and a kiss from my wife. And I find myself thanking God for letting me survive the kind of stroke, few survive. 

There's a lesson somewhere in my being mute and paralyzed, I'm not yet sure what it is, but I have faith it will be revealed to me, when He believes the time to be right.

Meanwhile I will take each day as it comes. Cherishing the time I've been given with family and friends. Ready for whatever my future may hold. None of us can go very long without love in our lives. I am now surrounded by it. 

Loneliness because an epidemic these past few years. Weddings canceled, remote learning, holiday gatherings scaled down, and loved ones forced to die alone. All due to a worldwide pandemic we could not see. A pandemic of loneliness. 

Several years ago, we lost Jonell's Mom. I have since, lost mine too. The loss of Jonell's Mom, occurred, at the beginning of December, while she was still pregnant with Lydia. So Lydia never got to meet her grandmother. Jonell was extremely close to her Mom. Every year around this time, she has an especially hard time. This year however, she made a Facebook post about how she was choosing to be happy. I am very proud of her, and have definitely noticed a difference in her attitude. She is a strong woman, and I love her more than life itself.