Once upon a time in a hospital

 Once upon a time, I used to live in the hospital. Not really, but it felt like it. 76 days, nearly three months! I met a lot of good people there. And I met some that made me feel like I was never going to leave there alive! It's no different than life. You will meet good people and you will meet bad. With most being among the first group, good. The latter group, however, the bad people, can ruin your day, if not significantly much more than that! Avoid bad people at all costs! 

I must admit my emotions have changed dramatically since my stroke. I did a little research and it seems as though, the region of my brain stem which was damaged,  controls my emotions. The damage causes me to sometimes have inappropriate laughter and uncontrollable crying. 

People will simply walk into the room, and I will start to cry. Most often they are tears of joy, but still, they are difficult to control. 

I often cry when I write. I don't think it has an effect on what I write. But it certainly has an effect on how long it takes me to write. 

It is one of the really irritating aspects of my condition, to which I have grown accustomed.

I've been moved out of my small bedroom and into our dining room area, displacing the dining room table, which hardly ever got used anymore, since our boys are grown now with families and lives of their own. Remember, you may be grown men now, but you will always be our little boys! 

There is a great deal more space for me out here.  I am more easily included in all the daily activities, but the transition has been difficult and we still haven't figured out where to put all my medications and supplies. 

I find myself crying like a newborn when I look back on the times we have shared in this room. Of course, I find myself crying like a newborn, over an episode of Judge Judy! Let me take that back. I find that emotional times are simply amplified ten Fold. But there are times when I have uncontrollable and inappropriate laughter. Believe me, I wish I could stop it at times, and like one website I have visited, it is just a factor of my condition. I am getting used to it, but it doesn't mean I've excepted it. 

Being alone is just anxiety that I developed during my hospital stay before I had an Eye Gaze machine when I was unable to call out for help. It has stuck with me, even though I know now that there are people always around me should my machines ever fail me. The funny thing about anxieties is that they don't have to make sense to you, just to the person that has them! I have developed my fair share of anxieties since my stroke. 

Now I just lie here and mostly wait for visitors to come. Remembering back to when my grandparents each passed, or when an Aunt or Uncle did. I can only remember one thing about those times. That I wished I had gone to see them more often than I did. None of us knows when we will go. But if there's one thing my older years have taught me is that you are not promised tomorrow. And should I ever shake this paralysis thing, and I am once again able to move about freely, I pledge to spend my time seeing my family and friends. I can always do some cleaning or some chore, that promises to be here tomorrow. Unlike the people that I love. Better I should go visit them while we are both still able to have a conversation. Not where one of us is holding a conversation, and the other is laying under a tombstone! 

Don't be like me and wish you had gone to see someone more often. One of my greatest blessings was being by my Mom's side when she passed away. Yes, it was still hard, but it gave me a strange piece of mind too. I hope that one day when it's my time to go. I will have the privilege of being surrounded by my loved ones. Peace of mind not piece of mind.