In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity

It is difficult lying here. Few have the capacity to know or understand what being a paralyzed mute is like. It isn't easy that's for sure!

Besides things, you would expect. Like having an itch and going to scratch it, then realizing you can't. Man, did I get this many itches before my stroke? Now I have no choice but to live with them, I mean, it's not like I can hire a professional scratcher. To sit around and do nothing but scratch an itch when I get one.
It is also frustrating that you can't simply move to another room, not to get warmer, or cooler, or to get something to drink, or for any reason, you would like.
Those are just a couple things that I used to take for granted but I sure don't now!

Let me tell you, those are a walk in the park, compared to the loneliness that I feel most days.

It's not easy to explain, except to say that we humans are pack animals. Why else do we put our prisoners in solitary confinement? It is a means of punishment. It isn't long until you start counting the number of pictures on a wall, or water stains on the ceiling. Those times are only broken up briefly by the people that come into your room.
But they have jobs to do. And they are quickly on their way.

It isn't fair for you to expect any of their time. You don't know all there is to do.

And so, you just lay there hoping there will be a reason soon, that will cause someone to need to come back into the room. To bring some laundry, to adjust a machine, to bring some medical supplies. Any reason will do my wife and little girl are exceptional caregivers. They will often ask if I need anything. My being here has caused a huge disruption in their daily routine, and when I suggest that perhaps I should go back to a home, they simply say that they are doing it out of love. They have adapted well, and while most days are full, with my visitors and regular household chores. There are days that they get to spend more time with me, and those are always the days I cherish most.

Yeah, you can't begin to know what it's like to be me. Nor would I wish it on you. I don't want your sympathy; I just would like your understanding. Everyone goes through a trial at some time or another. It's how we come out on the other end that is most important that makes us who we are.

Nights are the most difficult for me, as it is the time when I know that I'm going to have the fewest number of interactions. It's funny, but you would think that I would look forward to the nights as when I dream, I am always somebody who has full use of his arms and legs. But often I just lie away and stare at the ceiling or a wall, or the clock as it's minutes pass by, turning into hours until suddenly it's getting light outside. Have I stayed awake all night again? I really need to stop doing this, I need my sleep. Then suddenly, bam! I fall asleep. Left to dream of a different me when I wasn't noticed because of my limitations. Where I was just another man, no better, no worse: someone other people just looked at but barely noticed

I long to be that man again. And God willing, someday soon I will be.

 

I don't know what I should do going forward. I did a restart of this machine, which I started doing, because I had figured out that it was the only way to save my writings. It had been crashing, the program I use that is. And I would lose several hours of work at a time.

In all fairness, it wasn't designed to be used like I use it. It is a notes program. Designed to, well, quite frankly, fore someone to just take notes. Not write a BLOG or books, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I had about 5 books I had been working on. I found out on several occasions, that there is a character limit here too.

So here I go, testing a program I have already been burned by.

What's the old saying, " Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! " well, you can't say I haven't been forewarned. But this time I will be making several changes to protect myself from losing everything, should this happen again.

Life is full of setbacks.

It's how you deal with those setbacks that really define you. Are you going to be one of those, " poor pitiful me " types of people? Or are you going to be one of those " Oh yeah, that's the best you've got? " Types, that brushes themselves off, and gets right back in the ring?

Remember, your children learn as much from you by what it is that you do, by what you don't do. And even if you don't have children, the same is true of your family and friends. This is a critical time in your life. Best get it right!

It is funny, the very day this all happened to me. The preacher that checks in on me every week, did a devotional on this very subject. It talks about letting go of the things over which you have no control. This is certainly one of those things.

I hate that it happened. I now know how to prevent it. Yes, I regret losing some of the posts that I thought were pretty good. Well, to be quite honest I feel they are all pretty good. Why else would I write them?

But in the grand scheme of things, this is small potatoes compared to some of the cards I have been dealt. Besides, they're only words, and there's plenty more where they came from! I'm quite fond of the saying, " What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger! "

I have great respect for someone when they get knocked down but get back up and continue even stronger than before. I've always tried to pattern my life around those individuals. If you know such a person, perhaps you should do the same. You may not always come out on top, but I'm willing to bet you will more times than not.

So, I guess once again I have talked myself through a dilemma. But I knew the answer all along. I'm going to get back up, brush myself off, and get back in the ring! So, to speak.

Celia and I have been talking, and there will be some changes coming to this site. None of which will effect your ability to access it. I hope you will continue to follow my BLOG. Thank you for sticking with me this far. I am having a great deal of fun, and I believe it has helped preserve what little sanity I have left.